Updates! I am still here living with A. But I know that has ended and it is time to go. Still with R. and trying to define, at least, internally, what we are doing. When the house finally comes through, I have been asked to move in, and I am looking forward to that, but I cannot see it yet, how it will work, what it will look like. I am actually afraid that it might never be realized because of hangups that we both have. I see and experience the progress of the relationship, but that seems to be the problem...the word, or title: relationship and other titles that I am used to and that R. is not used to. The differences are wider than I had known and even when it is just the two of us, I feel that those differences can not be spoken on. Just this weekend, we have had 3 minor disagreements that somehow ballooned into these major conversations that leave me feeling that we are farther apart than we are together. My love has grown and so now I feel like I am in this gray area right before the finish line. And it is unknown what will I find once I sprint to the other side. My fear is that I am sensing in myself a return to a behavior that is closed, quiet and unshared when all that I wanted was all of the opposites of those titles. I have become more open, verbal and unhidden...but I feel that R., even though R. started out as this person that was ready for a new way of living life, has gone the other way of being uncommunicative. I am supposed to decipher everything without being told anything. Titles seem to be our enemy, the nemesis of our relationship. My views or viewpoint, as well as his, that is opposing, seem to be acting as our kryptonite. I value those differences and want us to be able to disagree, discuss and come to understandings that might not always be in sync. I am not operating under rose-colored glasses here. But I feel that R. thinks that I am. No, I see this for what it is and I could not go further with our plans if I did not realize just how different this relationship is over all the others that I have been a part of. The paradox is that this one feels so ultimate but at the same time, I feel I cannot express an ultimate joy, but a minor one. My ecstatic enthusiasm must exist in a confined and subdued room when I want to paint the walls of the room with all the colors that exist in the world.
On to other news: Painting again...here and there, feeling more creative like my mind exploded back to a time when I had ideas...Yes! the artistic juices are flowing. My photography has improved.
Finances are coming together and I am listening to the good advice of others as well as my heart and my head is in the clouds but my feet are on a calmer ground.
I am riding my bike and working out in a consistent manner and the progress is showing. Eating better and bad habits have fallen by the wayside.
The main thing I want to communicate here, above all else, is that I feel alive again. There is a vibrancy that has been unleashed in my world and there is no cap that exists that can be put back on this bottle and no matter what happens, I know that I will be okay, better than okay. It's all about growth, learning the self and making mistakes. I am getting to know me. In a couple months time, I will turn 45. I have made it to this halfway point. What will I do with the other half? Well, that is the question isn't it?
